It’s been a minute..

Life has been… a lot. Work, travel, growth, and all the messy in-between that makes up being human. Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing here — not because I didn’t have words, but because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

But here’s the thing: writing has always been my way of breathing through life. Sorting out the hard, celebrating the good, and connecting with anyone out there who has ever thought, “oh wow, me too.”

So I’m back.

Back to share more of the thoughts that tug at me, the lessons I’m still learning, and the ridiculous, beautiful, complicated moments that make up this life. I can’t promise it will always be pretty, but I can promise it will be honest.

If you’ve been here before — thanks for waiting.
If you’re new — welcome. Grab a cup of coffee, stay awhile.

Here’s to starting again.

— Laura

Healing isn’t linear.

Honestly, nothing in life is linear.

What do I mean by that?

Instagram and all of social media, make us believe that things ARE linear.
You should start at the bottom and get better in a beautiful consistent and steady pace until we reach perfection.

Let’s all take a minute, to remember that 95% of what you see on social media, is not real.

We see what the influencer want us to see.
Photoshop and filters, hide the truth and then we start comparing ourselves to the photoshopped perfections.
Insert your negative self-talk here, which tells you that it’s easy for everyone else, so it should be easy for you.

We constantly criticize what we see in the mirror.
We constantly compare ourselves to that girl that lost 100lbs in 6 months.
We constantly critique our bodies, and every imperfection you can find.
We constantly let our self-esteem deplete and never feel good enough.

Do you remember the days before social media?
Do you remember what it was like to sit with your own thoughts, and not mindlessly scroll comparing every part of your life to everyone else?

I barely do.

The biggest social media I had growing up, was Myspace and Xanga, ya’ll remember those days?
They were GEWD.
If you were mad at your bestie, you took them off of your “Top 8.”
If you and your boyfriend were going through it… you had a song on your profile that fit the exact struggle.

Razr flip phones and T9 texting, I would honestly love to go back to those days, but we never will.
We are so connected to each other, we know what everyone is doing every second of the day.
This can be a good thing, but mostly it affects our mental health in the worst way.

The guy you are dating, didn’t text you back but he posted on Instagram.
You sent the guy you like a sexy snapchat, and he opened it but never responded.
Your ex still follows you and watches your stories on the regular.
You stalk your exes Facebook to see who is happier.

It’s constantly in our face, and has us wondering why they never texted you back, and you feed the unworthy feelings your mind tells you.

If you didn’t have anxiety 15 years ago, you probably have it now.
If you didn’t have self-esteem issues 15 years ago, you probably have it now.

What you consume daily, affects your life in more ways than you realize.
I have a love/hate relationship with social media.

I love that it keeps me connected to all of the friends I have made through all of these years, but I hate how it makes people think they can access me anytime. I hate how it makes us compare yourselves to each other.
“Their marriage is so perfect, they are so happy… they never fight.”
“She is so happy with her life, she has it so easy and never has to worry about a single stretchmark.”
“How does she looks so good? She doesn’t have any cellulite?”

I am very much the type of person, who loves being around people and interacting with others… but I also have to recharge my social battery. I know when I start to feel a certain way, I need a cleanse from social media.
My anxiety can build up so bad, that I don’t respond to texts for weeks at a time, and thankfully my friends/family know this. It’s nothing personal, I just know what I need for my own mental health.

Do you?

Do you recognize and catch yourself when you fall into a funk?
Do you notice what triggers the negative self-talk that?
Do you get irritated easily, and can step back and realize you need more sleep before you interact with people?
Do you find yourself comparing to that girl at the gym, who has the hourglass figure you dream about?
Do you find yourself looking at someone else’s before/after pictures, and starve yourself the next 3 days hoping that will help you look the same?
Do you find yourself deep into someone’s social media, comparing every part of their life to yours?

If we don’t recognize our own mental habits and how we process all the information that is thrown in our face daily, we will stay stuck in that funk. We will consistently feed our brain with thoughts of never feeling good enough. We shove our brain full of other people’s perfect lives, and wish that we could have that life.
(Spoiler alert: NO ONE has a perfect life or relationship.)

From the time I was 9 years old, up until I was in my late 20’s I compared myself to my best friend.
I was never as pretty as her.
I was never as skinny as her.
Guys never looked at me like they did her.
Guys never wanted me, like they did her.
I was never as good at sports as she was.

I had hips and a big butt and was incredible ashamed of them. I hid my body under a hoodie daily.
I hated going clothes shopping with my friends, because no one else was built like I was.
I prayed at night that God would make me look like a stick and take away my curves.

I would be disgusted at what I saw in the mirror.
I would eat like a mouse at lunch, because our track coach would come and monitor what we were eating.
I would go sit in the sauna for an hour after school, hoping that I could sweat it all off.

Every single boyfriend I had in high school, cheated on me with one of my friends.

I never felt good enough.

And… ya’ll this was 2004-2008.
We didn’t have social media like we do today… and that’s how I felt DAILY.

I think back to that girl, and I feel so much compassion for her.
I think back to that girl that never felt good enough and just want to hug her tightly and tell her that one day… one day she will feel beautiful, worthy and loved.

It took me until my late 20’s to truly love my body for everything it is.
It took me until my late 20’s to truly thank God for not taking away my curves.
It took me until my late 20’s to start going to therapy to deal with all of the trauma and self-esteem issues that held my brain hostage.

It took me until my late 20”s to love myself unconditionally.

I cannot even fathom what it’s like growing up in today’s world, with all of social media.
I look at the girls I coach, and preach the importance of mental health and talking about your feelings, you couldn’t pay me enough to be that age in todays technological world.


I have a pretty high presence on my social media, mostly to share my experiences of life and that all the healing I have done over these last 5 years, has NOT been linear. It has NOT been easy. I still struggle daily with feeling good enough, but I have the resources I need to walk through all of those emotions. I sit with my feelings fully, and recognize what triggers them.
I make an effort to do the work, to read the books and learn about my trauma…so I can be my best self.

The early years of my life, I disassociated on the regular so I didn’t have to deal with my thoughts.
I used alcohol to cope so I didn’t have to feel any feelings.
I threw fake smiles on and recited “I’m fine” to myself in the mirror so it came out quickly when anyone asked how I was doing.

My point is, life isn’t linear.
Healing isn’t linear.
Your fitness journey to a healthier life, isn’t linear.

There will never be a point in your life, that everything will be consistently good and no bad will happen.
Dark times will continue to come.
You will have a setback and you will feel like you want to give up, but trust me beautiful…. keep pushing.
Every time you stand back up, you get stronger and it gets a little easier the next time.

Your trauma does NOT define you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with it.

Therapy saved my life and I will preach until the day I die that everyone needs it.
We all have trauma, and until you recognize what yours is and how to deal with it… you will continue to stay stuck.

I hope one day you see how wonderful and worth you are, despite what your body looks like.
I hope one day you can look in the mirror and not criticize every wrinkle or flab you may find.
I hope one day you can reach out your hand to help someone else struggling in the same ways that you were.

I hope one day you realize how perfectly imperfect you are, and you can love yourself through every season that life gives you.

I hope you know that this life you were given, isn’t linear and it was never meant to be.

Keep fighting.
Keep working.

❤

Friendship is a funny thing..and as I become older, I hold my friendships so close to my heart.

Would it surprise you, if I told you I didn’t have many healthy friendships until college?

Maybe that’s sad, but it’s true for me… and I believe true for many people.

I have talked many times in my life about my anxiety & self-worth, I have had self-esteem issues for most of my life. Even now, some days I have “imposter syndrome” and don’t feel worthy of the things I have in my life.

Honestly, I always thought these feelings stemmed from mostly the relationship I had with my Dad growing up.
(Spoiler alert: I was wrong.)

It has taken me years of therapy, to truly digest all of the toxic relationships I have allowed in my life.
I can’t pin point it on one person, but moreso on the behaviors I allowed others to have in my presence.

I allowed people to treat me with so little respect, because I never valued myself as a human worthy of anything but the feelings of unworthiness.

Therapy, has allowed me to process what I have been through in my lifetime… friendships I thought were unbreakable… were the most unhealthy and toxic.

Hard pill to swallow?
Absolutely, when someone that is so pertinent in your life growing up and into the beginning of this thing we call Adulting..becomes someone who was just holding you back and causing your feelings of never being enough.

Maybe, I will share more on this later… but for now I just want everyone and anyone to know that you are WORTHY of anything in this life.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of respect.
You are worthy of relationships that build you UP and never tear you down.

It’s something it has taken me 30+ years to realize, and I hope you, whoever you are reading this… realize it too.

❤

Hey there.
Me again, Laura.

Finally got around to finishing this up, just happens to be on Christmas as I am recovering from COVID.

Let me preface this blog series by a PSA.
I am not a professional nor can I advise you of anything when it comes to the topics of therapy & EMDR, I am just sharing my personal experiences.
I highly suggest you research yourself, and talk to a professional.
Most people have no idea what it is or what to expect, so I wanted to share my experiences with it.
There are multiple techniques and you have to find what works best for you, as well as having an amazing therapist. (Local friends, I can give you the information to where I go.)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

Most people in my life know that I have been doing therapy (talk therapy) for many years. It has helped tremendously and I am so thankful for my long time therapist for all of the work we did.

Over the last two years I have heard about EMDR. I’ve seen it used on TV (big eye roll) and I’ve seen some people talk about it. I never thought more into it, because talk therapy has helped me so much…it wasn’t really on my radar. It seemed mostly used for helping people recover memories in regards to solving a crime ( thanks Criminal Minds, haha) and it’s still fairly new, so many people still don’t know much about it.

Talk therapy is incredible, and so beneficial… but there are some things that are so deep seeded, you have to try other ways to help overcome and heal from them.

We can all benefit from therapy.
We all have trauma.

Let me repeat that…

We.
All.
Have.
Trauma.

Don’t think you do? Promise me, you do. It may not be as deep as others, but it can be as simple as your parents divorcing when you were younger. Don’t think it effects you? Maybe re-examine your life, relationships… your everyday mood. I promise, everyone can benefit from therapy. I will forever go, even when I feel like I’m at my healthiest.

My EMDR story?
Well, it’s kind of funny. I started going to a new nail salon and consistently have gone to this same lady. We click, she’s hilarious and after my 3rd time with her, we got on the topic that she has a history of being a sexual trauma therapist in her past. Of course, this led me to ask her about EMDR and what her thoughts were on it.
Well let’s just say by the end of my nail appointment she had given me the name of the office that I now am a patient at.

God knows what we need, and promise he will get it to you even if it’s in the middle of you getting your nails done talking about trauma with your nail technician.

I had 3 appointments with my EMDR therapist before we began the process.
Obviously, the first appointment was very similar to talk therapy. Talk about what brought me in to try EMDR. What my goals are. What my struggles are. I am blessed because this therapist and I clicked immediately that I felt safe and that I can be 100% open and honest with her.
If doesn’t always happen that quick. I’ve seen a few different therapists, and I don’t feel bad saying it’s not a right fit and going elsewhere.

The next couple appointments were spread out, because of my work schedule.
Essentially we started listing out my themes, and things I know I struggle with and want to focus on in my EMDR sessions.
Then, found negative connotations that correlate with these.

i.e “I can’t trust myself,” “I am not in control,” “I should have known better.”

Then, going through each of these and finding your first memory of feeling that way, most traumatic and most recent. Start digging deep, thinking about each of these and where they stem from, or where they were the most prevalent in my life. This wasn’t easy at first, it really took me digging deep inside. I would replay “I can’t trust myself” over and over and digging through some painful memories. I would then do this with the next thought, and it was tough, reliving those emotions and memories.

These were all done at my first treatment day of EMDR, just scratching the surface and then I was taught a resourcing technique, used to help bring you to a safe/calm space as you work through all of the processing. This work, is incredible but it brings up things that you have tried to push away… so having that safe space, is imperative.

I left that appointment and I felt really good. Some stuff brought up, was difficult to digest but generally I was feeling good.
I know this work is going to be difficult. It’s going to be hard as hell but in the end it will be worth it. I am tired of letting certain things control my thoughts, my mood and basically my life. I was scared as hell to start, but I knew this was exactly what I needed to do at this point in my life. This work was going to help me really overcome my past and stop letting it have control over me. Especially my PTSD. Which for me, at this point, is my biggest roadblock.

My therapist did warn me, that things can come up unexpected, my anxiety may be higher than normal… this is all part of the process. Use my resourcing techniques, and take notes on how I was feeling to go over at our next session.

24 hours after my first session I had the biggest panic attack I have had in over a year. I felt it coming on, I was mid-workout and just had to throw my phone and lay down and let it happen. It felt, terrible in the moment. What the hell had I gotten myself into? Then, I reminded myself this is normal. This is the work. This isn’t meant to be easy, but this is exactly what needs to happen for me to truly heal.

I got through the panic attack, I stayed aware of how I was feeling, I acknowledged the feelings and where they were stemming from. It was the first time I felt like I truly faced a panic attack face to face.

There I was on my basement floor, staring my anxiety in the eye.
Staring all of these feelings right in the face.
It felt empowering.

It also made me nervous as hell for my next appointment because we didn’t even get into any processing or reprocessing and that was the result.

I knew, this was the first step to me overcoming my past and my trauma.

My PTSD and anxiety has controlled my life for so long, and it has been exhausting.

I’m tired of triple checking that my doors are locked.
I’m tired of constantly gazing the room I’m in to make sure I’m safe.
I’m tired of laying in bed with my mind racing a million different ways, I can’t calm it.
I’m tired of hearing a noise and wondering if someone is in my house.
I’m tired of the heightened anxiety before I go into, pretty much any place.. wondering who I’m going to run into.

I’m simply tired of being in flight or fight mode constantly.
I deserve to have peace.
I deserve to feel peace.
I deserve to be free from my past trauma.
I deserve more than I think… and this EMDR journey is just the beginning.

I hope sharing this journey, helps enlighten others on therapy and EMDR.

The work never stops, therapy will forever be part of my life.

Cheers to this journey.
Cheers to being the healthiest version of myself by the end of this.

Xo

“For I know the plans I have for you…”

At 21,000 feet I felt God tell me “this is exactly where you are meant to be.”
If you’ve never felt God speak to you, you probably aren’t listening close enough.

I left my house at 9am Monday morning, I had booked my flight about five minutes before I left.

I was emotional af.
I had to send Baxter to my moms the night before and hadn’t mentally prepared to tell him “see you later.”

I cried a lot.
I drank two (yes, TWO) bottles of wine and packed my bags, while I tried to distract myself from all of my nerves.

I woke up in the morning, nervous/anxious and terrified.

Is this what I should be doing?
Maybe I should cancel.
I knew that this was going to be a life-changing experience but 100% outside of my comfort zone and that was terrifying.

I got to the airport, made my way through security and found my gate.
Of course, had to get a coffee and found a seat in a corner away from all of the people.
I was nauseous because of how anxious I was, that I couldn’t even eat the Starbucks breakfast sandwich I bought.
I shoved it in my back pack and pulled out my xanax and took a full one.
My heart was racing. Tears started forming.

Can I just go back and tell them to give me my bags back and head home?
I had this moment of panic that I shouldn’t go. I needed to stay in Ohio in my little comfort zone.

I fought back my tears and boarded the plane.
Thankful for the window seat so I could stare out and the kind lady next to me wouldn’t see my tears.
The xanax kicked in and I was able to fall in and out of sleep as the trip began.

I woke up just before we were landing and my hands were still shaking with anxiety.

I was going to miss Baxter. I have never left him this long and he is almost nine years old.
He is my fur baby. He doesn’t understand that I am leaving for a long time, he probably think I am abandoning him.
I was going to miss Beau, I’m so used to seeing him AT LEAST one day a week. He is almost one and constantly changing. Will he even remember me when I come back?

My nieces, I wouldn’t get to have karaoke sessions with them and dance around the house.
I wouldn’t get to give them piggy back rides and I would miss Britains 5th birthday.

My volleyball girls, how is it possible I could care for those nine girls so much in such a short time?
I love watching them grow and become such great athletes.
I love their goofiness and how much they make me laugh at practice and tournaments.
I hated leaving such an amazing group of girls that, without a doubt are going to have an amazing season.

But, as much as I love all of those things and I would miss them more than anything….I hate my full-time job.
My plans for my future has just been destroyed…I found out a week before I was leaving that my plan for NP school was not going to happen. I was denied into the program, again.

And, now at 31 years old, I have no idea what I want to do from here.
I knew that I couldn’t keep going through this life every single day hating work. It wasn’t worth it.
I knew God planted this opportunity at the most perfect time in my life…. but I just wasn’t sure my heart was ready.
But sometimes, we aren’t ready but God reassures us that we are on the right path, even when we continue to give Him resistance.

And you know what?
I got on the plane anyways.

I knew God had my back and this is what I need to be doing.

As, we flew in and the wild ride began, I don’t think I sat down or had time to think until I finally got into bed that night at the hotel.

I cried, hard.
Ugly cried.
I don’t know the last time I truly cried that hard.

Should I tell them I can’t do this?
Should I just call my boss and say PLEASE send me home?
Will Baxter be okay?
Am I meant to be here?

I cried so hard and then I prayed.
I turned to the one Man in my life that has never let me down.
I prayed so hard to God to just calm these uncertainties and help assure me that THIS is what I am meant to be doing.

I finally fell asleep before midnight and woke up the next morning, still anxious but not quite as bad as before.

I got to the airport and met the lady I’m going to be working with during this trip and felt myself calm a little more. We definitely clicked and have similar personalities, so it helped me feel a bit better.

But, still these knots in my stomach just kept making me doubt all of this.

We boarded the flight and thankfully I had no one in my row.
We took off and I turned on a movie to distract me on the four hour flight.

And then, the pilot came on and said we would be landing shortly.
I opened up the window at 21,000 feet and as we started to descend I saw the mountains and my heart was calm.

“You are about to have a life-changing experience Laura. Don’t doubt it. The plans I have for you, are things you never imagined.”

A smile came across my face and happy tears slid down my cheek.

I don’t know what this adventure holds, and I am sure anxiety and nerves will creep back in but I have no doubt that this is where I need to be right now.

So, cheers to new adventures and new experiences.

I’m going to miss everyone so much, but Thank God for technology and FaceTime.

🖤🤟🏼

20%

Look at your group of friends or at your family members.
Think about each of them. Think about yourself.

1 in 5 Americans struggle with some form of Mental Illness.
It can range from something mild to something serious.

But please don’t let those terms make you feel like what you experience isn’t a big deal.

Mental Health has always been sort of a taboo topic.
Like typical Americans, we shove it away and cover it up so people don’t think we are “crazy.”

We don’t want those labels, we don’t want people to feel sorry for us.
We don’t want to reach out for help or talk about how we are feeling because it is not a pretty topic.

Thankfully, in the past few years many people have been breaking the silence and talking about their mental health.

We’ve seen celebrities speak up about it.
We’ve seen more of our peers talk about it.
We’ve seen a pandemic hit our world and those that never even considered the fact that they had any issues with their mental health…. find that they do.

If you have followed me for awhile or know me personally, you know that I am very open and honest about my struggles with my own mental health.

I struggle with severe anxiety with a splash of depression.
It’s something I have dealt with my entire life, but never really had a name for it until the last few years.

I thought what I was feeling was normal and everyone went through the same thing. I just needed to toughen up and deal with it.

My thoughts didn’t make sense.
Why was I anxious for nothing?
Why was I feeling sad when my life is pretty great?
Why would I lay in bed night after night unable to sleep because I couldn’t turn off my brain?
Why sometimes couldn’t I sit still…I would feel shaky and couldn’t concentrate?
I know God always has my back and has never failed me, but why did I continue to feel these feelings when I was still faithful?

I thought these were all normal things that we all go through.

I can’t tell you the moment I realized I had anxiety. I can’t tell you where I was when it finally “clicked” that this wasn’t a normal feeling.

It wasn’t until about 3 years ago that I went on medicine and finally admitted to my doctor what I was feeling.

Everyone around me always seemed so happy and easy going. No one ever seemed to feel what I was feeling, maybe the stuffed it inside and that was the proper way to deal?

I didn’t know.
No one ever talked about it.

Then, you see…one of my favorite actors took his own life.
A man that was known for his infectious humor and personality.

Robin Williams.
I could be wrong, but I think his suicide shook our world in a way that woke us up a little.

How could a man who was known across the world, SO hilarious and seemed like he LOVED life… take his own and just “give up?”

Because depression doesn’t discriminate.
You don’t wake up one day and say “I think I’m gonna be depressed today.”

That’s not how mental health works, and if you are one of those people that think you can just “get over it.”

I hope no one you ever love really struggle with a mental illness and have to deal with your ignorant ass self.

I’ve dealt with my anxiety my whole life and honestly, a big part of mine is social anxiety.

Going anywhere new or with people I don’t know, gives me anxiety.
Going anywhere alone gives me severe anxiety.
Walking into a restaurant alone to meet people, gives me anxiety.
The thought of going to eat alone or even going to the movies alone, would give me anxiety and I would never do it.
Uncertainties in life… give me severe anxiety.
Sometimes I just wake up and am anxious for no reason.
Walking into the gym, gives me anxiety.

The list goes on…

The other big piece of dealing with any mental illness, is being around people that just don’t understand it.
Which is FINE, not everyone understands or experiences these things and that’s 100% OKAY.

But, shaming people for feeling this way or simply telling them “you are overreacting,” “just get over it.”
Has got to STOP.

It’s not something people can just get over. We are very aware when we are overreacting, but you can’t always control it.
Honestly, the majority of the time I can’t control it.
I can sit there and tell myself it’s not a big deal and try to calm myself down… but 9/10 it doesn’t work.

When COVID finally hit America and we began our shut down, I think a lot of people became very self-aware.
Lots of alone time doesn’t allow you to keep shoving those feelings away and avoid dealing with them.

We entered an era with many unknowns, which caused people to experience some of these anxieties or depression that they haven’t had before. It’s scary, right?

But, it doesn’t make you less of a human being.
It doesn’t mean that you are stupid for feeling that way.
What you feel is a normal reaction to the state we are currently living in, and I hope these experiences help open your eyes to what some of us deal with on a daily basis despite a pandemic going on.

For those of us that suffer from some sort of mental illness, we beat ourselves up enough.
We know we can’t always justify what we are feeling.
We know laying in bed for a week straight isn’t an appropriate response to how we are feeling.
We have a great life, a good job…we are healthy… we know we shouldn’t be depressed.

WE KNOW.
But that doesn’t help us get through our bad days.
Being shamed doesn’t help us feel better.

“Get over it.”
“THANKS KAREN I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. NOW EVERYTHING IS SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.”

Stop shaming people for talking about how they are feeling.
Stop shaming people when they are open and honest with their struggles and that they just can’t make it to your events.
Stop shaming people for disappearing for a week or two and then coming back in.

Instead, check in with them.
Ask if they’re okay.
Not everyone is open about their struggles with mental health.
[Actually, most people keep it hidden away.]

My goal over the last 3 years have been to:
A. Recognize my anxiety/depression.
B. Seek therapy to find out where it stems from and how to deal with it in healthy ways.
C. Advocate for those that struggle with their own mental health.
D. Be open and vulnerable about my own struggles.

I know there are people on my social media that see my posts and don’t get it.
Or, they think I share my struggles for “attention” or whatever it may be.

I’d love it for the trash to take itself out, but I hope those people stick around and maybe something will eventually click for them.

In the past 3 years that I have been open and honest about my own struggles, the amount of people that have messaged me, called me…just reached out to me.. is incredible.

It continues to motivate me to share and give people a chance to talk to someone else who really gets it. To let them know they aren’t alone.

To help guide them on where to go to begin the healing process and get the help they need to truly understand what they are feeling and how to deal with it.

I’m not a mental health expert by any means, I’m just a girl who truly gets it. And in the middle of a chaotic world right now, we need more people to get it and support each other.

I’m not really sure what my initial goal of this blog was, but I just had it on my heart this morning to share.

You are not crazy.
You are allowed to feel what you feel.
You are not stupid.
You are not alone.

It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s okay to not know why you feel that way.
It’s okay to say “no” to people.

The most important part is to take care of yourself.
Reach out to a doctor, talk to someone..I promise you are not alone.

Find a therapist, I strongly recommend this one.
It can take a few times to find a therapist that you click with, but I promise you therapy has changed my life and really helped me deal with my anxieties and my own issues.

As always, my inbox is always open.

XoXo

“These past ten years walked all over me, dragged me by the ankles just because they could… and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
This decade broke my back and gave me a spine.
This decade killed who I was to introduce me to who I could become.
This decade let me think I had it all figured out, then fell on the floor laughing and told me ‘you don’t know shit fool,’ and I’m not even mad. A life without suffering really isn’t a life at all. The pain was worth all the laughs I laughed, and the people I crashed into and fell in love with.
This decade holds the greatest nights of my life, all the wonder my eyes got to see, the places my feet touched, all the dreams I built, all the moments and miracles that make up the course of my life.“
– Rupi Kaur

I stumbled upon the quote above today and it really hit home.
The last few days everyone on social media has shared all of their accomplishments and things that have happened over the last 10 years. You’ve all shared your goals and how excited you are for the new year… and I just have sat back not really having much to say.

New Years Eve has never been my favorite holiday, for no specific reason. Perhaps, because my birthday is a few days before and I always go hard celebrating multiple days for it.
I’ve set resolutions and goals before, I’ve shared them on social media but this year I just felt like it was overrated.

I feel like we set goals, and after a month we forget them. We make an excuse why they are unattainable, we slip up and just give up completely.. or we stop caring.

I didn’t want that to be me again this year, and I just wasn’t sure what exactly I wanted my “goals” to be for this new year.

I have loved the idea of reflecting over the last decade and looking into the next ten years, but I just haven’t really sat down and thought about what the last ten years were like for me, what happened and how much I’ve grown… until I saw the quote I shared above and it just hit home.

Instead of sharing a facebook post, I decided to reflect here:

Ten years ago… 2010.
My sophomore year in college, honestly… not a good time.

Sophomore year was the year I started a relationship that completely wrecked me…and led me to a dark place for the following years.
On the outside, you wouldn’t have known… I have always been the “strong” one… but this year and the following few.. really broke me.

If I’m going to be 100% honest and authentic.. I never let myself truly heal until this past year.

Yeah, nine years … nine fucking years of bad relationships, terrible negative self-talk, depleted self-worth and never feeling quite enough.

I never talked about what I was feeling, I felt ashamed. I pushed through day after day… month after month.. year after year.. pretending I was fine.
That these guys and these relationships didn’t define me or have a hold on my heart… when realistically… I felt worthless and unworthy of love.

I am almost certain you could ask anyone from the years 2010-2013 that was around me and they would tell you they had no idea I was feeling that way.
When I tell you I can hide my feelings well, I mean it.


Anyhow, life was rough in 2013.
I hated my job, I came home crying every single day because of frustration and my boss would not hear me out.
I looked in the mirror and hated everything I saw.
The guy that had my heart, made me feel worthless daily.
I found out I had to have spine surgery, and was terrified.

Towards the end of 2013 I finally woke up.
Literally, one day while I was home recovering from my surgery I finally realized that all of the things that were going wrong in my life.. I had complete control over.

I never imagined leaving North Carolina.
It always felt like home, and it still does to this day.
I was at such a low place, I had no choice but to uproot my life and make a change.

I opened my laptop and applied to jobs all over the country.
I felt if I moved somewhere else all of my problems would disappear, silly me.

I got a job in Valdosta, Georgia and moved my life there at the beginning of 2014.
I ran, which I would never recommend anyone else does.
Just because you relocate to another state, your problems still follow you.

Although, I am so very thankful for the year I spent in Georgia, it was exactly what I needed at that time.
I had very limited friends, I honestly kept to myself unless I was hanging out with my boss (who is to this day one of the best people I’ve ever met… and her name is also Laura.)

The year in Georgia was a year I finally starting owning up to my flaws and starting to focus on myself. I started my weight loss journey and really stuck to it, resulting in losing about 50lbs.
I thought if I lost weight, I would feel better about myself and all of my problems would disappear with every pound… boy, was I wrong.

The end of my year in Georgia I had a life changing experience, to this day when I tell the story… it’s shocking that I am still alive.
That experience woke me up, and made me make a decision that I swore I would never do….

Move back to Ohio.

2015, I uprooted my life again and moved back to Ohio.

2015, was an interesting year for me.
I didn’t care about a lot of things.
I still wasn’t dealing with my issues. I put them on the back burner and just had fun. I continued working out like crazy, swearing that the more weight I lost, the better I would feel about myself.
Of course, it didn’t. It just made me continue to see that guys only cared about how you looked physically and that was the most important thing in their eyes. They liked my body, not me.

My favorite part of 2015, was getting back into church and re-kindling my relationship with God. My walk with God will never be perfect, I will back track and make mistakes.. but I know He is always there with open arms to welcome me back and pick me up.

2016 was a really hard year for me.
For the first time in my life, I made a mistake that made me contemplate being alive.
I was at a very dark place.. and it was not my favorite.
Honestly, it’s hard to look back at that time, but I know it has helped me develop into the person I am today.

2017-2018, wasn’t much better. I’ll just leave it at that.
There were ups and downs, and I finally started to seek out help for my anxiety and acknowledge that I couldn’t do it on my own.

2019.
Man.
What. A. Fucking. Year.

2019, may be my favorite year in awhile.
Was it perfect? Heck no.
Was it easy? Absolutely not.
It’s been difficult as hell, but it’s because I have finally started to put in the work to make me a better me.

I started therapy with a new therapist and finally opened up and recognized my short comings.
I started realizing my unhealthy boundaries and my co-dependent behaviors that caused me more distress than peace.

My eyes were opened to unhealthy relationships and it taught me how to stand up for myself.
I learned to say “no” more and focus on my mental health and self-care.
If something doesn’t bring me peace, I learned it was okay to let it go.

My whole life I have dreaded turning 30, especially the last 5 years.
I had so many things I envisioned to have done by the time I turned 30 and they didn’t happen.
I felt like turning 30 without being married, or in a serious relationship was a failure. No kids, not married… or even in a relationship isn’t always an easy conversation.
Telling people how old I am, and they look at your hand and ask if you are married.. or have children.. and you reply “no.”
They look at you with such sad eyes, like you did something wrong and they felt bad for you.
I used to hate when people asked, or gave me that look… it always made me go back to feeling unworthy of love.

2019, taught me that just because my life looks a little different than I intended, it doesn’t mean I failed or that I am unworthy of love.

It means, I’ve lived and fought every single day to be right here.
I persevered and learned a lot along the way.
I am not unworthy of love or happiness.
I’ve learned to let go of expectations and trust in Him.

It’s hard to look back and imagine all that has happened in these last 10 years, some of it feels like decades ago.. and others feel like just yesterday.

I’m excited for this New Year.
2020, man… I can’t even begin to imagine all of the amazing things that will happen over this next year and decade.

Life will always have its ups and downs.
We will all continue to make mistakes.
None of us are perfect, but the most important thing to remember…

Your mistakes do NOT define you.

Your peace and happiness is the most important thing.
If something disturbs your peace, let it go.

I hope 2020 brings you all amazing things.

❤

I’m fine.

The biggest lie we tell.
Well, at least for me… it’s the biggest lie I tell.

It’s no secret I struggle with anxiety. I have become very open about it, I don’t think we talk enough about Mental Health. About two years ago I decided I would open up about my own struggles.

Anxiety is a big ole Bitch.
It’s something I have struggled with my whole entire life, but I never realized it had a name until a few years ago.
I honestly believed that everyone felt how I was feeling daily.


Then one day, I finally opened up about how I was feeling.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

There was a name for it.
Not everyone struggles with it. (Although many people do.)
There were medications and therapy that could help my symptoms.
There was a way to help control all of these emotions.

Sidenote: There is no cure.
Just an FYI, for those that think Mental Health is a bunch of bullshit, or think that just taking a medicine solves all of your problems and everything will be sunshine and rainbows.
(Also, if you are in a relationship/friendship with someone who believes Mental Health is a bunch of bullshit… let those people go. Promise it ain’t worth it.)

Back to “I’m fine.”

Co-dependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

That’s the definition how I always understood it. Feeling like I have to be in relationship constantly. When my therapist told me I resembled codependency characteristics, I was shocked.

No way. That’s not me at all. I’m actually VERY fine being alone.

Well friends, that’s not really what codependent means. My therapist lent me the book Co-dependent No More. (HIGHLY recommend it to anyone, it’s such a good read.)
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1IUDRLV6X85FH&keywords=co-dependent+no+more+book&qid=1575425641&sprefix=co-de%2Caps%2C168&sr=8-2

And Ya’ll, ya girl is co-dependent! But, let’s dive into what it actually means, because the definition is not as simple as googling it.
There are many different kinds.
(Which I can dive into more in another blog if there is interest, today has a different focus points.)

I most associate with the Caregiving Co-dependent.
Here are some examples:
– Unhealthy focus on others and their issues.
-Lacks boundaries.
-Takes responsibility for other people’s feelings, actions and problems.
-Feels like an obligation or compulsion.

These are a few that resonate with me so deeply.
I put others before myself in many different aspects of my life. I make sure I am always available if someone needs me, even if it isn’t in my best interest.
I bottle up my emotions because I don’t want to burden others… to the point that things eventually build up and explode… into an anxiety attack that puts me out of commission for days.

This has been my life for a very long time. I never realized it was unhealthy. I thought, this is what Jesus would do, give himself to everyone who needed him. (Which actually, is untrue.)
I gave and I gave and I gave some more. When life through me a curveball, I kept going. I didn’t stop to assess my personal damage, other people needed me and I couldn’t be selfish.

This leads me to this last year and working through therapy.
Seriously opening my eyes to the unhealthy behaviors I had but have always viewed them as “helpful.” Perhaps they are helpful, but only to the other person. I was killing myself, to make sure other people were okay.

Co-dependency.
Self-value.

Two things I needed to work on, things I never truly realized were hurting me and causing this anxiety.
Basically, flipping my life completely around and changing behaviors that are so ingrained it would be as if you couldn’t blink your eyes ever again.

This past weekend I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced.
Panic attacks have become so rare for me that I don’t even keep Xanax on hand.

I had just left the movies with some of my best friends, we saw Frozen 2, I was prepared to go straight to the gym.
I pulled out of the parking lot and suddenly my heart jumped and started racing.

What in the world?
My hands were visibly trembling.
Why am I so anxious?
I started feeling light headed and couldn’t concentrate.

I safely got myself to the gym parking lot, and sat in my car.
I started crying.

Why am I crying? What in the hell? I’m fine! The movie was amazing, nothing triggering. Why is this happening?

I practiced my deep breathing, I put on my favorite worship music and tried to shut my eyes.
Eventually after 10 or so minutes, I decided to go in and try to distract myself with a workout.
And honestly… I think I blacked out or maybe “browned” out. I remember going to the gym and doing some cardio for 30 minutes and then went home… but it feels so foggy I don’t recall.

I went home, finally took a Xanax and laid down to try and relax.
I couldn’t calm my body down, I couldn’t stopped the shaking… I couldn’t control my heart racing.
THERE WAS NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS… in that moment… nothing happened but my anxiety attack was so real I just couldn’t pinpoint why it was happening.

They can come out of nowhere, they don’t always have a reason and those are the worst… because you can’t explain what’s wrong to anyone… and some people just don’t understand.

This anxiety attack hit me so hard, it took two Xanax to finally calm me down to sleep… and I basically slept for two days. It took two days of constant sleeping to finally help get me out of the funk and feel back to myself. Those two days I felt like I was stuck in a hole. There was so much negative talk in my head and I just felt like I could barely function. It was exhausting in every aspect.

God’s timing is on point, because this whole anxiety attack happened days before I had my next therapist appointment.

My therapist greets me and asks “How have you been?”
And so much of me wanted to just say “I’m fine.”
Because that is my answer every time, and today I finally said “I’m not okay,” and the tears just poured out.

I just started going into my feelings so deep.
Things that I kept saying “whatever, it’s fine,” about that most certainly were not fine.
People hurting me and me acting like “it’s fine.“
Losing friendships and brushing it off like “it’s fine.“

Pushing all of the real feelings inside me because it’s my stuff, I gotta deal with it on my own. I didn’t want to deal with them at all, I didn’t have time so I pushed them in the back of my mind.
I can’t burden others with how I feel (co-dependent behavior.)

Literally shoving all of the things that kept hurting me and taking away my peace so deep inside, that when I hit my limit…. they burst out of me… into a random anxiety attack.

So, today I made a promise to myself.
As much as I preach to others that ‘It’s okay to not be okay,’ I’m going to start living that too.
I’m going to stop saying “I’m fine” when I’m not.

I’m not fine, but I will be. ❤

And if you resonate with anything I’ve said, or if you yourself struggle too… I promise it gets better. Don’t be afraid to reach out, or go see a therapist… you are not alone.